Every Possible Type of Seafood Restaurant
Open your mind!
Okay, that last post got super heavy. It made me feel sad, and it might give people the mistaken impression that I’m a remotely serious writer. So today, I have some complete nonsense!
This is quite possibly the least accurate meme I have ever seen.
Lilcasper.v2, its creator, claims that there are only two possible types of seafood restaurant: overly fancy places with expensive organic oysters and rough shacks with greasy fried fare. I will admit that both of these are real types of restaurants. That is the only thing this meme is correct about. And since I’m the kind of guy who can’t let minor, pointless inaccuracies slide, I’m going to rip it to shreds.
I feel the implication is clearly that Blondie, what with his fancy oysters and red wine, is pretentious and inauthentic, whereas Old Cap runs an authentic, salt-of-the-earth place that serves up good, All-American deep-fried seafood.
I do not like this dichotomy. I greatly enjoy fancy seafood places. I am quite happy to indulge on organic oysters and red wine (okay, sangria). Sometimes I do also enjoy fried clams, I’ll admit. I have nothing against either of these theoretical restaurants.
But the idea that the greasy, fast-foody fried joint is the authentic one? The soul, the essence of seafood? That is RICH. That is even richer than the oil Old Cap smothers his cod with.
The deep fryer is the mythic fire of creation and destruction. So many things go into it — potatoes, onions, cheese, chicken, steak. But they all come out the same — greasy, crispy, bursting with fat. Nothing remains of the original food’s soul. And such is the case for fish, clams, or any other seafood that is eaten fried. If you only like deep-fried seafood, you do not like seafood. You just like fried food!
Meanwhile, Blondie’s Orgasmic Oysters probably has varieties of seafood that would make your head spin. Barramundi, Ono, Fijian Wahoo. A showcase of the world’s oceans, all lavishly covered in rich, exotic flavors, If you really love seafood, which one are you gonna go to?
Also, I hate to even bring this up, but Blondie is clearly implied to be gay. Not only is this pretty unpleasant in 2025, I also don’t know what the artist was thinking connecting oysters with gayness. Oysters look like…uhhh…I mean…country matters. It’s not immature if it’s a Shakespeare reference!
So, how does liking oysters make you gay? Come on, geoducks were right there!
But none of that is what offends me most about this meme. No. What really grinds my gears is the fact that the artist insists these caricatures represent all possible seafood restaurants. They claim there are no other ways for seafood restaurants to be.
As someone who has been to many, many seafood restaurants, I cannot let this stand! There are more types of seafood in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Casper.
It seems like the artist acknowledged that they’re not a big seafood person. Excellent well, I AM a fishmonger. Seafood is one of my favorite cuisines, and I’ve been to a lot of very diverse seafood restaurants. Let’s go through every one I can think of:
Fried Seafood Shack: This is absolutely a thing. Artery-clogging fried fare galore, served in a shack. Likely will have cod, halibut, and haddock. More shellfishy places will also give you oysters, crab cakes, and clams — if you’re lucky, they’ll have bellies, instead of just being clam strips. If you’re really lucky, maybe they’ll have some salmon that hasn’t been fried — it won’t be great, though.
Fancy Oyster Bar: Yeah, this does exist too. It will have a lot of oysters with goofy names (naked cowboy?), likely charged by each individual one. Will also have some very fancy dishes with innovative sauces, often involving fish you’ve never heard of. You can never go wrong with a simple filet of salmon, though. For some reason, these places always have really amazing desserts. But NEVER get the “Sharkfin pie” — those things are huge and way too cold (yes, they ALL have this).
Chowdah: Clam chowder is the focus, but will usually have a good selection of other shellfish and real fish. There is a large rivalry between the tomato-based Manhattan chowder and the cream-based New England chowder. But as Substack’s self-appointed seafood czar, I can objectively state: they both suck! Definitely go to these restaurants, but order something solid, please.
Fake Seafood Place: Basically just pretending to have seafood. Will have some token dishes, usually fried stuff, chowder, and cod, but most of the menu is burgers and chicken. We see through your lies!
Chain Slop: You know this kind of place — Long John Silver’s, Culver’s, Red Lobster. Avoid except as a last resort.
Counter-Service Western Seafood: This is basically fast food, but it’s a lot better than the typical slop. Will have the option to “choose your protein,” which will include several inexpensive varieties of fish, as well as shrimp, chicken, and probably some patronizing vegetarian option. Also a wide variety of healthy side dishes — but let’s be real here, we’re all getting french fries.
Counter-Service Poke Bowl Place: This traditional Hawaiian cuisine has been adapted into a conveyor-belt type restaurant largely for white yuppies, one that’s, happily, become quite trendy.
At its most basic level, this is a bowl of raw salmon or tuna with onions and ponzu served over rice. Fancier, less authentic places will add eel, shrimp, scallops, and other exotic protein options. They also have fancy hipster ingredients like edamame, pineapple, and seaweed salad. You should go to one of these places right now — do you really need Chipotle again?
Cheap Sushi Joint: Speaking of raw fish!
If you want cheap seafood but aren’t too excited for the fried stuff — and that’s a based opinion, respect — this is your best bet. It will have cheap tuna and salmon sashimi for about five bucks a pop. There will also be the standard Americanized rolls, like California, Philadelphia, and Spider, as well as some more intricate custom rolls. Nothing called “crab” here is actually crab — it’s surimi, which is to fish as hot dogs are to pork. Will usually have a lot of other Japanese items, like ramen and teriyaki, and may even have some Western dishes for the cowards. Often has anime theming or other kitsch.
Fancy Sushi Joint: Hoo boy. Better mortgage your cat. This place makes Blondie’s Orgasmic Oysters look like McDonald’s.
If you’re going to this place, you don’t need me to tell you about the finest fish. Bluefin tuna, real crab and lobster, sea urchin (underrated imo). Non-sushi items likely include wagyu beef and meat of a similar nature. Probably has a hibachi experience that costs two hundred dollars. This is the kind of place you take a girl just to show off how rich you are — I would assume.
But be warned — some sushi places have been caught mislabeling their sushi to seem fancier than they are. If you hear squealing from the backroom, you might have stumbled onto an illegal dolphin smuggling ring. Be careful.
Asian Seafood Restaurant: You’re most likely to find these in Chinatown, or in cities that have a very large Chinese-American presence. But not all of them are Chinese in origin – I’ve seen Thai, Vietnamese, and even Malaysian ones.
They’re usually large, yet somewhat undecorated places with huge, huge menus and aquarium tanks full of your next meal. They’ll have a lot of your traditional Americanized Chinese dishes, but also some truly exotic stuff. Think abalone, frog legs, crawdads, so many fish you’ve never heard of. Also exotic non-seafood items, like chicken feet. They’ll often have a dish featuring a huge whole fish or crab — I have ordered this a couple times, much to my family’s amusement. Most of the dishes are cheap, but the whole fish dish will of course be very expensive. I definitely recommend these.
Mariscos Restaurant: This is a Mexican or Latin American type of seafood restaurant. I actually don’t go to these all that often, as I don’t like Mexican food all that much, but I still think I know a reasonable amount about them.
Fish tacos will likely be a focus here. In fancier places, you might get shrimp or even lobster tacos. Fish quesadillas and fajitas are also possible. You also often see whole fried tilapia and a lot of fish in spicy sauces. But the true highlight here is seafood towers. This is just a ginormous tower packed with shrimp, crab, oysters, and other raw and cooked seafood. Hope you’re hungry — and rich, these things can cost like a hundred dollars.
Mediterranean Seafood: These include Italian and Greek seafood places. I shouldn’t lump these in together, but this post is getting long enough already.
These restaurants are ethnic restaurants first, and seafood restaurants second, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Italian ones will have seafood pasta and pizza, and maybe soups like cioppino. I always made my dad give me the baby octopuses from his cioppino. Yum!
Greek places will have delightful taramosalata, calamari, and smelt, as well as various fishes cooked in olive oil and wrapped in leaves. Both types of place usually have some basic salmon and cod dishes, which you could get if you wanna be lame, I guess.
Cajun Seafood: Lasseiz les bon temps rouler! This is a delightful place that serves what is, in my opinion, the very best of American cuisine, featuring tender, rich dishes with delectable spice blends. A lot of the seafood will be fried — but this is a light cornmeal dusting, not the heavy batter chunks that Old Cap gives you. And there’s bound to be some steamed stuff as well. Offerings will be a bit more exotic, often including catfish and crawfish. At some places, you might even get gator and frog — the latter of which tastes like fish wings. If you know, you know.
One subvariant is the seafood boil. Regular Cajun places usually offer a seafood boil, but some places have only seafood boils. This is basically crab, shrimp, or crawfish boiled with potatoes and corn in spicy Cajun seasoning. It’s not really my thing, but I respect it a hell of a lot more than fried seafood.
Crab/Lobster Shack: This is a solidly northeastern place. It feels like fast food, but it’s pretty expensive. Will always have delicious lobster and crab rolls as well as the option of getting a whole crab or lobster and dismembering it yourself. Non-seafood options will usually be pretty cheap and low-quality, but if you’re going to these places, you’re here for the crustacean.
That reminds me — one time, during the pandemic, I felt like eating some crab in my dorm room, so I Doordashed one from a local place. But I forgot that I didn’t have a crab cracker, so I had no way to open the crab. I ended up ripping it apart with my bare hands. Brute force 1, intelligence 0.
So, uh, that’s a very long and rambling “well, actually…” I hope I opened up some people’s minds and gave you ideas about restaurants to try.
…I don’t know how to end this. Maybe with some more Hamlet references? Uh…
The apparel oft proclaims the man, and they in France of the best rank and station are of a most select and generous chief in that. Neither a borrower nor a lender be; for loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all: to thine ownself —
Uh oh. Something just rustled in the curtains. I’d better go check on what it is.
Oh crap, it’s the crown prince of Denmark! And he’s got a knife…